Lifestyle Changes

How much pain do you allow your heart to endure before you realize that perhaps you may be too good for your putting yourself through. Becoming a better you is a process that does not end. I began my journey at the maximum weight of 235 pounds. Unaware of how large I was I barely got on the scale because I mean who the heck wants to believe that they have allowed their self to get to where they are. I didn't believe in myself, however I knew I had what it takes to become a better person. I was allowing others to walk all over me time and time again. I was there for my friends more than I can say they were there for me. I was not in love with myself but I wanted someone to love me. Unaware that if you do not fully understand what happiness is you will just allow yourself to sulk into a depression funk. 

Catering to those who did not need my time or effort. However am I upset over it. No. I am not. I can only say that I become who I am because of the rugged path that I have dragged my body through. I fell in love with the wrong ones, I wrecked good relationships, however in the process I have grown, I have learned, and I have found who I desire to be. I will not entertain childish antics, I will not put up subliminal messages, I will not go back to those who hurt me just for one night of passion. My self worth, value and time is just too valuable to me I have learned many lessons along the way and the most important one is that I matter. I  matter enough to love myself and not allow anyone close enough to my heart to smash it over and over because they are not sure of who they are. 

Losing weight did not make me who I am it helped me find my inner strength and allow my wings to take me the direction that I need. Was I scared. Hell Yea. I do not trust anyone and I was not even sure if I can trust myself to make the moves that I needed in order to better myself and end toxic relationships. Being independent means you rely on no one but yourself. Therefore I had to trust and love myself throughout the lonesomeness, the depression, the addiction, the toxic heartache, and the decade of lies and excuses. I no longer want to hear excuses because, "The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it" - Joe Belfort. I used to say I couldn't do things because I was afraid to get out of my comfort zone; however I realized when I left my comfort zone life really began, I found a true reason to smile. 

Lonesomeness/ Selfishness

Constantly alone, trying to figure out the meaning of life. Unable to find the good when all I see is the evil and the selfishness of others. I find myself steadily crying seeking answers to questions that i have however unable to find the perfect solutions when I have lost hope and I am not sure I believe anymore. How is it that you can be so happy on the outside but on the inside you are breaking down and suffering daily to try and just push through. The strongest person I know is myself however I am not sure if I really believe in myself or if I am putting on a facade in hopes that what I believe in will ultimately come true. Looking around it is hard to determine reality vs fiction. Figuring out the world alone and not sure where to begin to what path to take, Life is about the lessons we learn however when are the good lessons going to come. Constantly finding myself in harder situations. When the world seems to be evil how can you be honest or believe in something greater. It is like regardless of what you do someone is standing there waiting to knock the shit out of you and bring you back to your knees. Goodness I just wait for the day where I can smile and say I am smiling because I am actually happy it is not because I am hiding my pain.

How can we judge one another when no one has got a grasp on life and no one has walked on this world without creating mistakes. What gives someone else the right to belittle and make someone else feel worthless because of their choices when deep down inside you know damn well you have done things that you are also not proud of. Just because someone has not aired out your dirty laundry does not mean that you are entitled to air out someone else's dirty laundry and expose their demons.

The "fat girl"

The “fat girl” that’s the girl that’s you point at or laugh at simply because she is different. Funny that “fat girl” wears her heart on her sleeve and is actually more humble and loving than the ones laughing and pointing at her. Being fat does not mean that person is lazy or sitting around the house having snacks and a burger with a diet coke all day. We all have our reasons as to why things happen and we all have our reasons that motivate us for changes. However being ready and mentally prepared is the first step. The term fat is something that can sting hard, I should know firsthand. I was the fat girl that hid amongst the crowds or avoided them all together because I didn’t need others to point out the obvious.

-          Yes I most likely have gained weight -> No need to ask if your eyes are telling you the obvious. I woke up every morning and I knew I was fat and I also knew that I had to be mentally ready to take on the challenge. I didn’t want to start and just give up so therefore mentally preparing myself and kicking bad habits was my first step.

It’s kind of funny how when you’re the “fat girl” you’re not as pretty and “society” is not so nice to you. I have been single for several years ((mainly for personal reasons *details in a separate blog*)) however some felt that if I lost weight I would be able to find a date considering “I would look better” it kind of sounds shallow because being fat or a healthier size did not change who I was nor the awesome personality that I have. Why can’t someone get to know the “fat girl” before judging her, she is just as beautiful on day 1 then she is now. So now the “fit girl” who was once the “fat girl” is now “stuck up” well I will tell you I am far far far from stuck up and I honest to God have nothing to be stuck up about. I want everyone around me to do wonderful things because it will mean we are all reaching high levels of success and will ultimately be happy with who we are and how far we have overcome. I am portrayed to be stuck up simply because I do not tolerate old behavior and I do not want to give those who did not stand by my toughest times a chance to stand by me now. If you couldn’t accept me during my darkest time why should I allow you to shine with me during my bright times?