For those who will read the Entire Post- ..

Some wont make it far reading this blog- I'm sure some will stop reading half way through -and others will scroll down to see how much longer they have to read - many will continue reading- but only a handful will understand where I am coming from- someone will be impacted and will finish and forward my site to others....to you I say Thank You - One helping hand can go a long way one day- 

A Sinners Prayer 

Dear Father ....... 

I know that I am here for a purpose and yet I don't know if I can handle all this pressure.... I grabbed that poison I drank the whole cup knowing that I shouldn't but giving into satisfaction. I question not only my judgement but at times I catch myself questioning your ability. I lay in the ocean treading all the water I gasp for air I want to just drown - I lay there hoping to go under and not come back - is that you Father?.....whispering in my ear?  {knowing} I can not lose hope that easy...... I float back to the top gasping for air- I fill my lungs with smoke clouds - I rather sit here and balance my lows in ways in which I know I shouldn't. 


Once again I question myself I'm lost in this world and Father... Lord I ask you for answers- I feel like I cant hear you.... am I not listening am I not paying attention- its like I need a clear direction and I feel lost without you- but I feel unsure when I'm by you. 
Father forgive me I worry about what others think of me way to much-


Father forgive me I try and aim above the influence but at times- I fail- I give in- I feel like I am constantly disappointing you but yet you still accept and love me... I know that I need you in my life and without you- I am lost I will have no guidance- and I will lose my sense of direction.... 
Forgive me for the sins in which i have done due to my lack of obedience forgive me for the sins in which I am guilty of committing daily ... I can only blame myself for the path in life I choose to live; and for the mistakes I choose to repeat. Father forgive me for giving into the petty temptation - forgive me for the sins in which I choose to not name aloud.... I know you know what I mean and I also know that I should never be ashamed of who I am - At the end of the day I am your child- 


 What do you believe in? What are you so strong and passionate about?
I get questioned almost daily about my Religious Values.... So I need to understand where the questions and invaluable opinions stem from...is it because I do not put "Godly Quotes" on my Face book Page or is it because I don't send everyone in my phone book a inspirational text when they are having a bad day or making it known on these Social Networks that they are upset and hate the world..Because I did not branch out to you and "Bless you" that makes you question my ability to stand by the Lord... The last time I checked I chose to be the Lord's child on my own time - I was not trying to impress one single soul - I have not let one single persons opinion bother me or impact my life or my well being in any way....  I'm busy trying to save myself I didn't know I had to make it known while making a public service announcement to the world.....I was unaware and blinded- where did it state that we had to force religion onto others by putting up daily Bible Quotes or making sure we let other know we are "Religious" and that they should be too. We all choose our own paths its just that some "paths" make a bigger impact than others. Which one will you choose?


I choose to not hear any excuses-  I do not want people to ask me why do I believe in this "Higher Power"  in which I never met nor do I know if it really exists.....


Listen here I chose my own path in life- I did not ask for your approval or unrelated opinion - I pay my own bills - I live in my own house- raise my own child and make my own decisions -
I choose to not Love the Lord in secret- I am his child- I do believe - I am not ashamed of the "Life Style" I choose to live... 


I didn't know what I know now a few years ago ......I am not saying that what I know now is 100% correct or that I am some sort of perfect "Holy Roller" ....I am not perfect - I do still make mistakes but I allow my Faith to carry me on and help me live the life in which I see in my eyes as perfect..... that is alongside my Father.... Jesus Christ coming from a strong female whom didn't have a father growing up I am proud to say I always had one that never let me down I just didn't see it until now... My "Blinders" are off.... 


We are quick to blast that Rap music or to tune into all this reality TV- seeing people make mockeries of themselves and some how these individuals are getting careers from living life in sin- quickly making "self respect" seem as a thing of the past -what is self respect and what does it mean? Some don't know and others don't care enough to educate themselves... but yet we cant tune into the word of God or listen to the messages that are right in front of us but yet we are too blind to see until its too late...I hear rappers always thanking God for their accomplishments and stating that they are so grateful for all in which the "Lord" has given them... 
     -Oh is that so!? Is that how you show the Lord appreciation after you made billions off that rap song that said nothing good.... Yet that hit single in which we all listen too and love just encouraged tons of young children to pop Ecstasy pills- take loads of shots and pass out -"cuz we just don't give a fuck" 
Well is that so??? Is that how we thank the Lord?
-Lets keep singing though and let children know that they must live life in the fast lane while remembering "YOLO" You only live once so smoke loads of weed and have lost of unprotected sex with who ever you can because- yeah you said it we only live once.....So now after all that is said you would like to thank the Lord for what? Another day- opportunity - or billions of dollars made - who cares how many lives were effected in the making right? 


 "God please make my car turn on and get me to work".... 
Suddenly we need him -suddenly we believe- suddenly he hears you- the Lord gives you what you wanted- You go back to no believing, to not caring, and not appreciating what you have.....When something goes wrong we all remember about the "higher power" we are quick to ask the Lord to not take away our Loved one or to bring our Loved one back- "God please don't fail me now"... those words make me cringe!!!  
---Really? Okay so wait - Are we are seriously now asking the Lord to not fail us?
When the Lord asked you to not fail him did you listen? Did you understand? Did you choose to not listen and still live life as if it was your last day here? When we choose to cheat on our spouse or when we break every commandment- did we stop and think? Did we care that we would be failing the one person in which we would ultimately have to go back too and beg for forgiveness-
-Lord please forgive me for the sins in which I have made along with those in which I was well aware of 
I am sorry- 


I am not starting a riot- I do not care what anyone has to say - I see what I see through my eyes-  I mean we all believe what we want...
If you want to blow weed smoke and make smoke clouds and not see that Angelic Smoke cloud that approaches you- that is your choice - I just choose to not give in to sin. I can sit here and yell and shout that I represent God and I am a follower of Christ but will that help ignorance or will it matter- probably not. We all choose what we want in life just like we all get choices- you choose to sit here and follow these celebrities on Twitter but yet cant follow the one who gave you your Life- Yet you quickly cry out "Lord help me I need your help" when you find yourself in need- Is that selfish? 


--Spending loads of time uploading daily pictures and hoping that all of your "followers" "like" or "comment" your picture- downloading the latest "Club Banger" - prying on who you will sleep with next- giving into sin and not worrying that your heart is filled with Hate- all of these things are way more important than attending church -
 I took the good the bad and the ugly .....I sent it spinning it into the sky- {knowing} a beautiful vivid picture will shine through creating a fantastic portrait; allowing the light to shine through all my situations..... 
If the Lord  came to you and asked you for help would you help him because deep down in your heart you feel that's what you would do for anyone who asked for help- or do you help him because you know later on you will need a favor and so its "payback".....is that why church is only filled on Easter? We ask him for a favor daily but yet we can not make "daily" small steps to be a little more educated on a Topic or subject in which some are scared to talk about - touch on- or to become a part of.


 I am not here to try and change any ones opinion I'm just simply stating what I see and hear from my eyes or my ears... We are quick to say "Jesus Christ" out of anger or in sin but we are too afraid to yell it out and free ourselves from the hate or negative vibes we get from others....


 I do not want to force religion -Christianity - or the Lord- on anyone... I see what I see- I do what I do and I am who I am because I believe and have Faith - I have not mastered religion- I have not read the entire Bible- I have not knocked on every ones door hoping to change their outlook- and my goal isn't to have the world "follow me" as he said "I walk this alone" 


 I walk the path and allow myself to be guided by someone whom I feel is a "Role Model" to me in my eyes and in my heart.... He loves me for me- allows me to make mistakes- he allows me to love those who do not understand or dislike and hate me for being -Me- 


Who do you choose to follow - are you ashamed to admit who u would you rather follow because you know loads of questions in which you don't have to answer will follow? I'm not perfect - I live in Sin; but I also make a effort to pull myself from within and not give in... 


Church is free but yet every Sunday there are loads of empty chairs Concerts we must pay for but yet they "sell out".... We can memorize loads of explicit context but how many Bible verses have you attempted to willingly memorize... Caught up in what speaks loudly and yet some lessons that mean the most are the ones that don't speak loud enough... so does that mean there lost..


 have I lost you yet???


 This is not a lecture and church isn't full of people who never made mistakes before...We all have to start somewhere and the time is up to you..... 
We all have done things in which we are ashamed to admit and yet what the world needs is loads of  LOVE....


 Lets stop recreating  father/motherless generations... Lets not bring more neglected children into this world -these children who feel no love are killing one another- we have children suffering for attention- we have teens being exposed to sexual diseases and they technically don't even know what this means.... 


Lets stop asking the Lord how has he failed us when in reality we have failed {ourselves}.. 
No one has been speared by innocence-  no one is perfect- but yet we have all the time to stop the cycle and enter into an era in which every child wants to be a doctor, lawyer, or achieve all the success in which we know our young youths can do... Lets not create our next Playboy Model, or our Next Snooki... Lets make a Successful Educated America who is not ashamed to say "God Runs my City" . 

I N S P I R E D by (y o u)

Looking in from a far seeing her sit there reading text messages from "him" I can only hope she does not fall back into a decade full of lies and chaos one again... Hate over powers her soul but she drowns out her emotions in a cup full of strong Vodka she stays awake steadily drowning out the pain and intoxicating herself in smoke filled lungs; stating that's shes clearly only balancing her lows with Hazel. All this because of "him" but wait I'm pretty sure you don't care, last time I checked you were pretty selfish..... 

Looking in from a far hoping she understands that she can do better. She falls into "his" trap each time mesmerized by the lies enticed by the pain believing that daily tears, heart felt pain, and suffering is what makes Love stronger....Such a believer in Love and yet I sit here puzzled in disbelief "Love doesn't live in my eyes but yet she states she bleeds love" this kinda leaves me pondered....
I look back in and I see her there .....she sits... she takes back another cup as if its nothing... Where are you during this time? Oh yea the same place as always - not by her side.... I miss you suddenly sounds identical to i hate you... Like I said I'm pretty sure you don't care and yet I'm pretty sure shes going to make another mistake. Therefore I will interrupt her this time, and brighten her awareness before things get wild and crazy once again. 

I'm able to get her attention* I think you should allow the steam to come off your pores let the tears fall back into your eyes and simply remember when 2 worlds collide things just wont ever be right... why shall you allow yourself to fall backwards as if time will do the same. Will you really continue making the same mistakes? Are we thinking that maybe this time you'll get a better result and not the same one we've received for the past decade? ...when are u going to quit? I think its time to realize -- that dream has been cut short several times and um this time I think its the perfect time for you to spread your wings and allow yourself to do what you've always wanted.....
She cared about you more than anyone would ever know, but than again its a shame sometimes we just don't get "do overs" and for "him" that chance is gone.. This time for her - she will just let the end be the end and move onto bigger and better things....
She walks away to sit down and ponder her thoughts::::
Several thousand unanswered calls.... a decade full of lies.... 2 crushed beaten hearts...This battle of the sexes suddenly has turned into a load full of exes.... and um i think we should not talk about our problems anymore; we wont work things- out admit it! We must allow "my" heart to move on it can no longer can be with "you".... Why should you be able to care for a heart you kicked around for 10 years; {y o u} than shatter it into small crystallized pieces... the pieces were unrecognizable thanks to you...I guess I blame my heart for allowing me to want to love you so much to the point where I know exactly how he felt before he parted ways "I wear my heart, tied to a string. And I drag it around, so everyone see's.. how dirty, it's really been, to me"(JohnWebb)
I'm looking in and I am proud of who she is she now knows that she would like the ongoing brutal battle to be over with. Her face full of tears her heart dragged and beaten yet she still stands proud and now knows her self worth

Pondered & Puzzled but aware she knows and repeats: I wouldn't want us to try and work it out for another decade and continue to fail .... My best friend sorta turned into my worst enemy; its like we went from happy times to multiple times of me finding myself on my knees .... crying wondering when will be the last time .... when will you not hurt me anymore.....She sits on the kitchen floor wondering where she went wrong; deep down knowing she did nothing wrong and "he" just isn't the same person he was when you two were 15. Shes aware.... She understands.... She stands up..... She smiles....
I look in with a smile on my face as she is able to express to him what she has wanted to say shes ready.......

I understand we have both changed but you wont ever understand my pain and this time I don't really care because this time you were gone a little too long and this girl isn't the same girl she use to be you left that girl behind.... she hates the thought that you'll always think its okay to have someone else as if you are some sort of God...She knows that she will no longer allow it.... Learn to Love yourself as I have done my dear.
I cant allow to be beaten and I wont allow myself to break down and cry-
Shes ready to run away smile and know that she is the most beautiful person she knows at this moment and she has managed to gain that all alone ..... while she remained by your side shes was a not so pretty gal.... 

Is she belligerent or is she just realizing she wants to be straight up with you! Well either way here it goes word from word from the one you loved and cared for so much well .....
I think its cute how you read her some similar poems - I listened to a decade of those, please stop I don't want to read anymore fairy tales, don't sell me anymore dreams I'm broke lifeless and can not afford anymore of those, quit with the happy endings and wishes! 

I don't want to love you anymore. 

How about you get higher - take that - inhale your lungs feel that burn? Good that's what you deserve - feel that burn- feel that pain? 

You might want to gain back your concentration because you didn't hear me say, "I'll be right back but I'm not ...... and I will take a long time...... but wait I will expect you to stay here and wait for me to come back and except me with open arms, as I did for you 1 complete decade ..... how does that sound?....

I know I've made mistakes but yet you made a decade full of promises "You wouldn't hurt me anymore and I would not shed another tear" I think we surpassed those promises and those are just now a string of lies that you are now tangled in and somehow you think your going to be able to get out of that.... the thing is its a Scorpions lethal trap.. 

Well good luck..

Do you know that she thought about you every step of the way but not you my dear you went full force at life thinking she would always be standing in the same spot you left her and she would remain super ecstatic to see you ....

My eyes begin to get hazy but she knows what she must do ... She has swallowed those tears and she knows that memories are all that she will be allowed to take with her this time.... 

I am ready to take my bag full of memories on my new journey in life..."You" have proved that I am not what you want or need in life Joyfully i can dance down the yellow brick road I am ready for whatever is at the end of that Rainbow I will sit there with the one person ........

that remained humble loving strong independent and beautiful (myself)

I love myself more than you will ever be able to provide love for...That lonesome path wasn't so bad after all I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel










Life is not easy but we must learn to smile through the pain for those who can not with stand the struggle I will Fight For you I remain *Angelically Motivated*







My Blog is dedicated to the one person that was just wanted to be loved and cared for.... He wanted to be loved, understood, heard, and most importantly excepted.... John Wallace Webb Jr. You have inspired me to include a quote of yours into one of my own personal pieces I am truly blessed to be able to live through you and make your piece one with mine. I admire you for you and will continue to be inspired by you fantastic way to communicate and be who you are through writing... May you Rest in Peace my dear friend.
I'll always remember our last conversation





John Wallace Webb Jr.
I wear my heart, tied to a string. And I drag it around, so everyone see's.. how dirty, it's really been, to me. · January 11, 2011 at 3:11pm ·




Jomy Martinez-- I love love love this... Don't be surprised if its my stat later oOman I love it January 11, 2011 at 3:23pm




John Wallace Webb Jr.-- Thanks. I actually was dreaming and singing that. And when I woke up, I had to write it down. January 11, 2011 at 3:24pm