Judgement / Pressure

For a long time I tried my best to please the world.

Never really feeling comfortable. Always walking on eggshells. I gave my heart away several times. I trusted many and have been let down severely. I have had to walk away and depend solely on myself.

I have fell to my knees and begged the Lord to take me away. I have battled with depression, eating disorders, and I have managed to pick myself up each time.

I did not let the world swallow my Dreams.

I promised to never give up on myself. I have done this many times in the past. I believed the harsh words that were told to me. I believed I was not strong or pretty enough. Remembering the harsh things that were said to me not only by strangers but by my "loved ones" as well crushed my soul further. No one is going to love or appreciate you as much as you can appreciate and love yourself.

Easier said than done.

I am still learning. Everyday I learn something different. Everyday I appreciate my journey and steps that were taken. Every tear that was shed was worth it. I once questioned the process. I once wondered if I should be jumping without knowing if I could fly. However I would have never found out if I could fly without taking that leap.

The Company you keep.

In order to find yourself you have to dig deep. Into that dark place that you have avoided for a decade. My comfort zone was killing me. It was not even my comfortable/ happy place anymore. It was anxiety & depressed filled. I was drowning myself in my own fears and tears. I allowed the actions and validity of others consume me.

Cleaning Day

I got tired. I was drained. I was in a dark place. I was overweight alone and annoyed. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror and I knew that I could do all the things in which I felt I could not do. I did not pick a particular day. I did not sleep on these thoughts, and I did not plan when this change would occur. I woke up and I knew this had to get done TODAY. I was scared shitless but for far too long I have done things to please others and have constantly endured a whirlwind of unforeseen emotions & situations in which I did not want to be apart of.

Rebuilding

Change is something scary. While nothing is easy, all of the hard work is worth it. Nothing feels better than doing things in which you thought you could never do. Everyday your body does things that it has never done before. You are able to build the memories in which you once wished upon. The most rewarding feeling of all is beating the odds and are actually enjoying the process. No longer hiding behind comfort zones or building up walls to block out the fears. 

Diet or Lifestyle Choice.

Throughout my journey I never liked saying I was on a diet. At one point in time I was dieting. I was starving. I was restricting myself from things I wanted. I was suffering from binges. None of that helped. I did not want to diet. I wanted to make a lifestyle change that consisted of healthier eating patterns and a active lifestyle. I did not want to feel like I was forced or obligated to do this. I was doing this because I wanted to.

Zero time limits. 

I learned how to eat properly. I learned to eat 3 large meals and 3 small snacks in between. I learned what food was going to be beneficial to fuel my body and what foods will make my body crash and feel like crap. I had to learn to cook my favorite meals at home. I had to give up going out to eat and indulging in huge amounts of countless calories. I love going out to eat and not having to cook. However that is also how I gained most of my weight and it came with lot's of health concerns as well.

Leading by example

If I wanted my son to eat healthier I had to lead by example. He is also an athlete and benefits from having proper nutrition. I did my homework. I searched recipes. I read labels. I learned Macros. I learned safe carbs. I did not ask questions on Facebook to my general friends and fam. I did not rely on others to help and assist me. I did what I had to do for myself.

No excuses = Results. 

Eating healthy does not mean eating bland, tasteless things. You can find the balance that fits your individual needs without having to consume 2,000 calories in one sitting. I had to hold myself accountable for my food choices. I was no longer eating for comfort. I was finding other alternatives to do to fight those binges. Each time I stepped further and further out of comfort zone. 

Enjoy the process

Cooking healthy meals that my son enjoys is the highlight of my day. Asking him to taste my veggie lasagna or to add some salad to his plate fills my heart with joy. Catching him reading labels and pointing out how high the sugar content is in something also ensures me that I am now doing something correctly. No longer does he scream "Can we have Mc Donalds?" He now says, "Mom can you make some of that yummy chicken you make when we get home?" 

Lifestyle Choices

Lifestyle Choices not only for myself but for my son. I want to teach him to make healthy choices without having to second guess it. I do not want him to fall in love with food to the point that he hates the person he has become. I do not want him to feel obligated to eat fruits and vegetables. I want this to be something that he does because he knows that chips and cookies is not going to give us the fuel we need to keep our "factory" going. 

Moderation

Yes we have brownies, cakes, and at times cookies in our pantry. We also have a abundant amount of fruit, veggies, nuts, & jerky that he will choose first. Having baked snacks as opposed to potato chips is also a healthier alternative. Small changes lead to big results. 

New Year. New Perspectives.

Here we are my first post of 2016. This is my 4th year of my weight-loss journey. I have cried, I have wanted to give up, I binged, I starved myself, I over exercised, and I have pushed my body to extremes. I have looked in the mirror and have been upset with my results. I have wanted to rush the process. I have cried because I have not looked like others. I have struggled with picking myself up and I have "messed up" many times. These 4 years have taught me to believe in myself. To trust the process. To ignore the harsh words of others. To love myself. And to depend solely on myself.

I have went from the fat girl who hid behind a fake smile and a depressed soul to someone who feels that she can actually step out the comfort zone and actually enjoy life. My life seemed to get dark really fast and well I don't think we ever really admit "Hey I'm depressed. I'm sad. I am broken. I am not comfortable in my skin." I have always struggled with my weight primarily because others made me feel as if I was never going to be skinny enough. If I was not skinny I was not considered so attractive or appealing. A constant battle I endured with everyone. They were only telling me these things because they loved me. So they said. No one understood the real struggle I was facing from within. It is easy to judge the "fat girl" sure she "doesn't care about herself" so the world seems to think. The "fat girl" may have the same story as the "skinny girl." No one will ever know because no one really cares to ask. So quick to point the finger and judge.

I struggled along the way trying to always find the quick fix. Working out seemed like it was taking forever. There has to be an easier way to do this I would think constantly. I often set myself up for failure setting super high expectations that were unattainable. I wanted to look marvelous over night. I considered surgery many times. I also considered getting liposuction and a BBL so I could just look amazing in no time with "no worries." Many people around me have chosen those roads. Why couldn't I do the same? Well I could if I wanted to but I would not have appreciated the process and hard work that I have put in day after day, year after year. I wanted to remember the sore moments. I wanted to remember the tears and the agony that I felt. I wanted to remember how I struggled to catch my breath. I wanted to remember the burning sensation I felt every time my lungs gasped for air. I want to remember every time I encouraged myself. I want to remember every morning that I pushed my limits and succeeded.

Every moment that I thought I had failed. I was actually just learning another lesson. My journey has molded me to love myself because no one will ever feel as if you are perfect enough. I never wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have confidence to not hide behind my hair or over sized clothing.

For years I relied on a relationship. I never worked on the relationship with myself. I never allowed myself to be who I wanted to be, due to the fear of rejection or of being "alone." No one really likes being alone so it seemed like it was the best choice. My family constantly pushed me to feel as if I was never making the best choices. I have lost many friends along the way. At the end of the day nothing matters because

I have found myself. 

It does not matter if no one believes in me. It does not matter if people feel as if I am stuck up now that I have lost weight. I do not care about the opinions of others. In the darkest moments of my life I was alone & alone and still managed to pick myself up and fight for something that I felt strongly about. I wanted to feel healthy. I wanted to be a runner because I always said I couldn't be one. I wanted to become fit and know what it was like to actually dedicate time into my own project. I wanted to prove that hard work and dedication is all is needed. I wanted to show the world that the fat girl can do it. 

I wanted to feel good. I wanted to look in the mirror and appreciate the girl looking back at her even when no one else did because I loved myself enough to not care about the noise. I realized regardless of what I did I was going to have people expressing their opinions. It does not mean that I have to listen to them if they are not paying my bills or driving me to the Gym to get my "Gains" in.

She exercises too much. She's too skinny, She looks sick. She's conceited. She's stuck up. She thinks she's too good for fat people now. She's antisocial. She looked better when she was fat. If I wanted to live up to the expectations of others I would never be able to live my life. I would constantly be searching for validation from others who are struggling to find and love their own selves.

She believed she could

 So she did.