Here we are my first post of 2016. This is my 4th year of my weight-loss journey. I have cried, I have wanted to give up, I binged, I starved myself, I over exercised, and I have pushed my body to extremes. I have looked in the mirror and have been upset with my results. I have wanted to rush the process. I have cried because I have not looked like others. I have struggled with picking myself up and I have "messed up" many times. These 4 years have taught me to believe in myself. To trust the process. To ignore the harsh words of others. To love myself. And to depend solely on myself.
I have went from the fat girl who hid behind a fake smile and a depressed soul to someone who feels that she can actually step out the comfort zone and actually enjoy life. My life seemed to get dark really fast and well I don't think we ever really admit "Hey I'm depressed. I'm sad. I am broken. I am not comfortable in my skin." I have always struggled with my weight primarily because others made me feel as if I was never going to be skinny enough. If I was not skinny I was not considered so attractive or appealing. A constant battle I endured with everyone. They were only telling me these things because they loved me. So they said. No one understood the real struggle I was facing from within. It is easy to judge the "fat girl" sure she "doesn't care about herself" so the world seems to think. The "fat girl" may have the same story as the "skinny girl." No one will ever know because no one really cares to ask. So quick to point the finger and judge.
I struggled along the way trying to always find the quick fix. Working out seemed like it was taking forever. There has to be an easier way to do this I would think constantly. I often set myself up for failure setting super high expectations that were unattainable. I wanted to look marvelous over night. I considered surgery many times. I also considered getting liposuction and a BBL so I could just look amazing in no time with "no worries." Many people around me have chosen those roads. Why couldn't I do the same? Well I could if I wanted to but I would not have appreciated the process and hard work that I have put in day after day, year after year. I wanted to remember the sore moments. I wanted to remember the tears and the agony that I felt. I wanted to remember how I struggled to catch my breath. I wanted to remember the burning sensation I felt every time my lungs gasped for air. I want to remember every time I encouraged myself. I want to remember every morning that I pushed my limits and succeeded.
Every moment that I thought I had failed. I was actually just learning another lesson. My journey has molded me to love myself because no one will ever feel as if you are perfect enough. I never wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have confidence to not hide behind my hair or over sized clothing.
For years I relied on a relationship. I never worked on the relationship with myself. I never allowed myself to be who I wanted to be, due to the fear of rejection or of being "alone." No one really likes being alone so it seemed like it was the best choice. My family constantly pushed me to feel as if I was never making the best choices. I have lost many friends along the way. At the end of the day nothing matters because
I have found myself.
It does not matter if no one believes in me. It does not matter if people feel as if I am stuck up now that I have lost weight. I do not care about the opinions of others. In the darkest moments of my life I was alone & alone and still managed to pick myself up and fight for something that I felt strongly about. I wanted to feel healthy. I wanted to be a runner because I always said I couldn't be one. I wanted to become fit and know what it was like to actually dedicate time into my own project. I wanted to prove that hard work and dedication is all is needed. I wanted to show the world that the fat girl can do it.
I wanted to feel good. I wanted to look in the mirror and appreciate the girl looking back at her even when no one else did because I loved myself enough to not care about the noise. I realized regardless of what I did I was going to have people expressing their opinions. It does not mean that I have to listen to them if they are not paying my bills or driving me to the Gym to get my "Gains" in.
She exercises too much. She's too skinny, She looks sick. She's conceited. She's stuck up. She thinks she's too good for fat people now. She's antisocial. She looked better when she was fat. If I wanted to live up to the expectations of others I would never be able to live my life. I would constantly be searching for validation from others who are struggling to find and love their own selves.
She believed she could
So she did.
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