No Pain No Gain.

When I began to make lifestyle changes dedicated towards my health I did not do it with the impression that I would become "famous" for losing weight. I know many people who have done it for all the wrong reasons and although I will not judge them for the way that they have done things I just know in my heart I can not lie to others in order to get sponsors or to get to "the top." I do not care if the world acknowledged my weight-loss because I am doing this for me. Ideally I hope to help other who struggle with some similar problems that I faced but I can not lie and say I used a pre- workout or some expensive regimen when honestly I didn't. 

I simply did it because I knew I needed to. I was sad, depressed, lonely, broken, lost, and sucked into a world where food became my best-friend and coping mechanism.  I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to do things in which I never thought were possible like a cartwheel, handstand, or lifting heavy things that would make my legs or arms feel like they were about to fall off. NO PAIN NO GAIN. Let me tell you I hated hearing that just like I hated hearing soreness is weakness leaving the body. If you are not sore, you did not work hard enough. The fat girl inside me of me hated every minute of it, I hated hearing positive motivation while I struggled through my workout. Shut Up I am dying I would think in my head. Or easier for them to say because they are not my size and are not struggling like I am. Truth is we all struggle with different things but the key is to not give up and learn to love the process. Without the tough moments we will not appreciate the diamond in the rough. 

I began my journey with the hopes that I would lose 50 pounds. I realized once I had lost 45 pounds that this was something that I had to dedicate too. I could not just lose the weight and go back to things that I did prior. Everyday would be a new challenge and everyday I wanted to push limits. I could not give up at 50 pounds and I did not give up once I lost 90 pounds. I have heard many remarks where people have told me I do not look attractive so thin, others stated they wanted to "feed me" because I looked hungry. Funny part is that we feel that people who are thin or healthy are that way because they starve themselves; when in all actuality they are just cautious about what the eat. Being healthy takes a lot of time, effort, dedication and discipline. It is easy to work out but the work that comes after is the hard part. Understanding how to make healthier choices is not easy when you are depressed and have life happening. I can always start tomorrow or next month will be the perfect month to start because........ The list of excuses can go on and on. I would know because I used every one of them. 

I soon realized working out was not something that had to be done in the gym. I started off with baby steps. I took the stairs at work/ public places, not the elevator or escalator. I parked my car further from the stores I was going into and I even forced myself to carry the bags out the store. With everything I did I tried to think how can I incorporate fitness into this. I danced in my room when no one was looking because it was fun and I felt the sweat come on. If I told you I didn't look or feel silly working out that would be a lie. I make ugly faces, sweat like a piglet, and my face gets beat red! It does not make me want to give up!! Others who understand the work you're putting in will not judge you or see any of that. 

I NEVER wanted to sign up for the gym because 

- Everyone will be looking at me. 

- I did not know what I was doing.

- I did not want anyone seeing my "fatness" 

- Others will talk, point, and laugh at me

Truth me told people did look at me because I mean they all have eyes and will look around!! 

Although I did not know what I was doing, other's will always offer their assistance and can also provide helpful tips as well. It is not a place where others will talk, point, or laugh at you because they are all here trying to better their-selves as well. People did talk to me because I was in the same place everyday at the same time. All the scary thoughts were in my head and I guess I used that to my advantage and this left me within my comfort zone. No one will laugh at you for getting healthy and being committed to your body. 

My Happiness Project

My Happiness Project.

I read the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and I dug deeper into what was happiness meant to me. Within the last 6 month I have worked on my own "Happiness Project" and was pushed to do something nice for myself daily; something I put off because I felt I have time to make myself happy later. Far too often I see people who are unhappy and are looking, searching, lusting for someone else to create their 'happiness," I have learned that is never the answer. You can not make someone else happy if you are unhappy, or uncomfortable within your own skin. Your insecurities will not allow you to be fully "happy" because you have become content with your comfort zone. 

Sometimes we forget to stop and smell the roses because we are just so caught up in our thoughts or anxious about the future that we forget about today and living in the moment. 

Sometimes we focus too hard on making sure that everything is perfect that we forget that nothing will ever be "perfect" because even the best things can be perfected but its the imperfections that give us personality. 

Sometimes it's easier to just do what you have been doing because change is scary, doesn't feel great, and it can be physically draining. 

Sometimes the ones that we love are the ones that hurt us the most.

Sometimes we do not hear what we are listening too and we lesson goes unheard. Listen with the intent to understand; not with the intent to reply. 

Usually I am one to just sit back and stay quiet. I observe, listen, and do not speak negatively of others because I do not feel the need to bash someone else or point out their mistakes or flaws. I do not allow those who have hurt me enter my life time and time again because I do not need those scars to continuously open. I choose to shelter and protect myself because based on my observations it is easy for others to segregate into groups and gossip about others. I've opened myself up to the wrong people, I've fallen in Love with many who have hurt me, I trusted those who I shouldn't have, however I would not change any of it because I have learned valuable lessons and I now know what I will not do going forward. I have learned to not carry yesterday's garbage into today. 

Yesterday is gone and Today is the Tomorrow we wished for. Each day is a new beginning to change what you did not like about yesterday; many people do not get this opportunity and yet some of us do not value our time here. I have learned to love myself for the mistakes that I have made, and I am learning to free myself from the self imprisonment that I have held onto for a decade.

My happiness project started off as something that seemed silly, minute, and uncomfortable. My mind continuously wandered and I thought Why should I even do this? I am already happy. I know I can be happy so whatever it can wait. I think that was the "unhappiness" speaking and yet I just didn't feel like tackling something else, because I mean I have a lot on my plate already, adding on the "happiness project" yeah something I did not care to do. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in making others happy that we forget about ourselves. 

Sometimes we feel that "happiness" has to be something big or materialistic. 

Sometimes we forget that it's the little things that matter the most. 

Sometimes we forget that it is better to be the one that smiled rather than the one that didn't. 

Sometimes we forget to genuinely laugh out loud; not just write "LOL." Laughter makes the heart grow fonder. 

Everyone's Happiness Project will look different but it all begins with yourself. 

You are the only person that can bring the joy & happiness you desire in life. 

Those who are uninterested about your Happiness Project have not yet begun theirs and will not understand your simple joys, humble soul, and bubble personality. 

Fake it to make it / Take it to make it

For a while now I have heard from many people that you simply just have to "Fake it till you make it." While it all sounds good, I just don't think I have that type of personality where I will "fake it to make it" what exactly am I faking? Am I faking happiness? Am I faking the fact that I am living for the moment? Am I faking the fact that I am struggling to succeed in a world where it is easy to be superficial? What is it that I have to fake when I am simply just trying to find the reality from within that I have hidden for so long. I will not fake it until I make it because if I never make it I won't have to fake the fact that I gave it my all. If I fail it is only because that is what needed to happen in order for better things to come about. I do not have to fake the fact that I will make mistakes, I will not be perfect, I will drop the ball, and I will stumble and fall, however I will not allow these moments to impact my ability to continue to push through and still smile.

It is not fake to smile after a hard day, you are not faking happiness you're actually learning to just seize the moment and smile even after the storm because the most beautiful things come about after a storm as passed. I do not need to broadcast every moment, I like to keep many moments of my life personal, not because I am ashamed, or because I feel I am better than others, simply because I choose to protect certain parts of my life and do not feel that others need to know my every move because I do not see any of my bills being paid by the opinions of others. Growing up I learned, "If you have nothing nice to say, you say nothing at all." Many times I do not have something nice to say; many times I smile and nod because that is the "nicest" thing at that moment that I can do. I will not fake it to make it in that circumstance. I will not smile in your face and talk behind your back. I will not brag about anything because I have learned what you have can become what you had in a blink of an eye. All that you have worked can go straight to hell and you will have to rebuild. I will always remain humble I do not need to fake anything. I believe "faking it to make it" takes far more work than I want to partake in.

Its hard enough to put on a smile and to think positively in a world that is based on greed, dysfunction, terror, fear, corruption. A world where I fear the future will look like for my child. I will fake it to make it in this world for my son but I will not fake the real moments, I will not sugar coat anything, and I will not pretend everything will be butterflies and rainbows. I will show him how to be a strong minded man in a world where these men are hard to come by. I will show him not to be fake in a world where others are scared to be real. Why fake it to make it, when you can be yourself and enjoy the journey even with the turbulence.

I can fake the times that I have cried, nor will I be able to fake the smiles that were shed and the joyous moments that I was able to be apart of.  I will not point and laugh at someone who has fallen because I am the clumsiest person around, I can not judge someone because they have sinned differently than I have. We live and we learn, everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about, who are we to belittle someone else based on things we know nothing about. We can not live in a point in time that is no longer present, and we can not continue doing the same things that have not worked prior. We can not love others if we do not love ourselves. I never knew what that meant until I applied into all aspects of my life.

"What if I fall?" 

Oh, but.. What if you fly?

I read that one day and smiled. I thought about my life, I also thought about a favorite scene in my all time favorite movie (Forrest Gump) where Jenny knelt down and prayed she could become a bird so she can fly far far away. I also thought about Maya Angelou's, "I know why the Caged Bird Sings." We all want to be free, we can not fake that. We all want to become free and we want to just want to be happy. Those things I feel we do not need to fake. We can set ourselves free and become happy, but it requires leaving our comfort zone and doing the things that make us feel like we are standing in the middle of Time Square naked. Yikes I know! Those are the moments that prepared us for the Mountains we will move later. The only thing we should have to fake is a smile. Fake it 110  times because the 111th time not only are you going to smile but you will also laugh your heart out; because maybe its not that serious after all. 

The day I chose to fly I chose to do so jokingly with myself. I took the leap & thought the minute it get's too hard I will leap back. That was something that I did not think would mean something different after the leap was taken. Do I want to leap back into old habits, do I want to leap back into things that made me unhappy? Or was I going to "fly" and tread water the best I could because although this was something scary it was actually something new and perhaps not so bad.

You do not have to fake it till you make it if you're living for yourself and ignoring the noise. I can sleep with my neighbor mowing their grass. Hey why should I be mad they are ensuring "their grass is greener" their grass has nothing to do with mine? 

-I will not fake it to make it; but I will take it to make it -