Dating in 2015

So it seems that when I was "bigger/ heavier" I had more luck in the dating department. I was a little hard on myself for a while. Questioning some of my decisions. Regretting choices I have made. However here we are several years out of the dating scene and I must say that I am not too upset. I am able to see and grasp a different perception on things. I do understand that everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer that God knows what he is doing and I trust myself more than I have before.

Being lonely is something that I think no one likes to feel. I mean being around others brings on laughter, and laughter brings happiness/ joy, it for the moment takes your mind off of whatever is going on and brings out the inner child in you. Why wouldn't we want to have this moment by our side during our hard moments or during our sad times. However I feel that if you do not understand the value of personal space, and you do not understand what Self Love is and means you will not fully understand the importance of self dependence and personal freedom.

I understood how to depend on myself during times in which I felt I could not survive on my own. I learned to listen to myself and free myself from things in which have imprisoned me for so long. Perhaps I was giving my time to those who were not deserving of it, perhaps those people were in my life to teach me a valuable lesson to my future. I do not regret anything in which has caused me pain in my life because it has made me stronger and well equipped for what is to come.

The heavier me was sad, she did not love herself and she held on to all the pain. The healthier me will not allow others to make her sad, she will love herself because no one will ever love me better than I can, and the old me will release the pain and step out of comfort zone. I will not waste my time with relations in which will not brighten and lift my soul. The healthier me understands that I am a cool chick, I am very well educated, I can be the shyest person in the world but once you get to know me I can be the funniest person around, I am very well rounded (I don't mean the shape. I mean I once was rounded that way but that's beside the point lol), and those who choose not get to know or understand that side is not so much of my problem.

However I am not sure how people even go about dating now a days. I have been out of the dating scene for a while for many reasons and now that I am interested I am a bit confused. So we no longer go out and explore? We do not go out to dinner because we are worried about wasting a meal and not getting laid? What the heck! What happens to the ladies that actually have a personality, goals, and ambitions. Settling is never an option in my book therefore I can explore on my own and enjoy my own "Namaste" moment until that moment occurs. I will not force anything because of fear of "growing old alone" I mean what is normal to one person may not be normal to the next. That doesn't mean that I will not be open to my Prince Charming but that simply means that I am able to fully stand on my own two feet, I can support myself, I can provide myself with the same opportunities as those in relationships, I may have to work a bit harder but it does not mean that it is not possible.

Carrie always needed her Mr. Big regardless of what others felt was normal. Her normal was just something that she understood was perfect for her. Sometimes others will not understand and that's okay. Sometimes others will judge your for "your normal" but that's okay because when your in love the noise drowns out in the background as your song plays.

Normal is over rated in a world where everyone is trying to be the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps I strive to be different and I do not want my normal to look like yours because I understand and see things differently and we are not here to serve the same purpose in life. Perhaps this is why I am also single; but its okay!

Weight loss turned out to be ....

Two years ago when I began my “weight loss journey” I did not think that I would inspire others or even make a big enough difference for others to notice. I made every excuse in the book, I blamed everyone or everything else for my poor choices and lack of energy/ strength. I hid from others and I put my full length mirror at an angle in order for me to not see the “bigger picture.”

I did not love myself. I felt uncomfortable doing things other would enjoy doing such as shopping, enjoying the outdoors, and simply just living freely. How can I be free when I am trapped inside of a body that I no longer recognized? I was not even sure how I reached that point, sure I was depressed, sure I had experienced many losses such as the loss of my only sibling, soon after I lost my job, and it just seemed like it was a snowball effect many other events took place that left me feeling even more hopeless. Why can’t I hide under a rock forever? Why can I not sleep the pain away? Why can I not shake this and get it together? Truth was I was not anywhere near ready; I was not mentally prepared.

            Here I was at 235 pounds. I could not hide it any longer. People made comments about it; others told me I “Wow you’ve changed and look different,” I always knew what they were trying to say, “Oh Wow you are huge now, what the heck is going on.” Hearing it from your close friends and family hurt but nothing hurt more than hearing it from strangers who know nothing about you. I learned to never judge someone based on what the visual eye can see. We are not able to see their pain, nor do we know their story, no one in this world has had it easy, so who are we to judge one another for the mistakes that have been made. No one has made it without making mistakes, why critique someone for not making the same mistakes or choices as you have?

            It’s not what you say it’s how you say it. This is the next thing that I learned. Why is it that when my family said things directed towards my weight I did not take it as personal as when a stranger made a comment. Sometimes sugar coating the truth is not what we need to hear. Sometimes the raw truth is what we need to hear and a stranger is the one who will give you that reality check. They are not doing it purposely to hurt your feelings perhaps that is just the way God knows he can reach you. We tend to listen to those who are not close to us more often than we think.

            Soon I realized weight loss meant something different to me. I needed to let go of all of the things that were holding me down. This meant closing chapters that I have left open for the last decade. This meant that I was going to learn to love, trust and rely solely on myself. This meant that I was going to leave my comfort zone. This meant I was going to feel uncomfortable, I was going to cry, I was going to feel alone, and hopeless and as if I am losing grasp of things but that is only because I was doing things in which I was not used too and it was scary as hell. I have held on to relationships that were toxic, I held friends close to my heart when I should not have, and I closed those out who really wanted to be there for me. I also learned that those who matter will always be there for you regardless of the journey because they actually understand what you are human.

            Every day is not going to be butterflies and rainbows; but this does not mean that we can drop the ball and lose our focus. I guess I dropped the ball when I lost my brother. My whole entire world came crashing down and I was so upset that I did not cherish the times we had. I did not tell him I love you 101 times. I did not take him out to eat on Thursday when I lost him as I wanted too. There were so many things I wanted to tell him and yet I did not live in the moment. I did not live freely as he did. I was so scared to take the leap because I wanted to make sure I was going to fly. He was never scared. I shut down. I ate my emotions. I ingested poison daily hoping it would take away the pain. I lost a sense of who I was and what my purpose was. I had a 4 year old son who I was not living for. So when I say I was not mentally prepared to take on weight loss this is what I mean. I was not ready to pull off the bandage and start dealing with what was underneath but I soon learned that we will never be ready. Sometimes you just have to rip off the band aid and not look back.

            I questioned myself every step of the way. Heck I still question myself until this day. I still cry. I still want to give up. I still do not feel what I guess I wanted to feel and I wonder if I am heading in the right direction. However I do see the bigger picture now. Leaving behind the pounds also meant I had to leave behind “friends” and “family” that I held on to even after they have hurt and betrayed me. This is where I began to trust myself because I realized those who are meant to be in your life as I mentioned above will remain in your life because they will understand that you are human and have looked at the bigger picture all along. They were not invested in your life for their own selfish reasons. When we make excuses for others hurting us that is when you know you have dropped the ball and are carrying toxic weight. Added baggage will not help you make it to the finish line, it will hold you down secretly hoping you never make it there. Misery loves company.

            Here we are 2 years later and many chapters have been closed. Many relationships have been questioned and many blessings have come my way. The lessons learned have surpassed the tears that have been shed. I have lost 90 pounds and have allowed myself to be free not only from the pain and discomfort that came from my physical appearance but also by the weight that was holding me down and not helping me get to the finish line. I look back only to see how far I have come, never to open up a chapter in which God has allowed me to close. Sometimes you do not need the answers to everything. Somethings just happen for a reason.