Two
years ago when I began my “weight loss journey” I did not think that I would
inspire others or even make a big enough difference for others to notice. I
made every excuse in the book, I blamed everyone or everything else for my poor
choices and lack of energy/ strength. I hid from others and I put my full
length mirror at an angle in order for me to not see the “bigger picture.”
I
did not love myself. I felt uncomfortable doing things other would enjoy doing
such as shopping, enjoying the outdoors, and simply just living freely. How can
I be free when I am trapped inside of a body that I no longer recognized? I was
not even sure how I reached that point, sure I was depressed, sure I had
experienced many losses such as the loss of my only sibling, soon after I lost
my job, and it just seemed like it was a snowball effect many other events took
place that left me feeling even more hopeless. Why can’t I hide under a rock
forever? Why can I not sleep the pain away? Why can I not shake this and get it
together? Truth was I was not anywhere near ready; I was not mentally prepared.
Here I was at 235 pounds. I could not hide it any longer.
People made comments about it; others told me I “Wow you’ve changed and look
different,” I always knew what they were trying to say, “Oh Wow you are huge
now, what the heck is going on.” Hearing it from your close friends and family
hurt but nothing hurt more than hearing it from strangers who know nothing
about you. I learned to never judge someone based on what the visual eye can
see. We are not able to see their pain, nor do we know their story, no one in
this world has had it easy, so who are we to judge one another for the mistakes
that have been made. No one has made it without making mistakes, why critique
someone for not making the same mistakes or choices as you have?
It’s not what you say it’s how you say it. This is the
next thing that I learned. Why is it that when my family said things directed
towards my weight I did not take it as personal as when a stranger made a
comment. Sometimes sugar coating the truth is not what we need to hear.
Sometimes the raw truth is what we need to hear and a stranger is the one who
will give you that reality check. They are not doing it purposely to hurt your feelings
perhaps that is just the way God knows he can reach you. We tend to listen to
those who are not close to us more often than we think.
Soon I realized weight loss meant something different to
me. I needed to let go of all of the things that were holding me down. This
meant closing chapters that I have left open for the last decade. This meant
that I was going to learn to love, trust and rely solely on myself. This meant
that I was going to leave my comfort zone. This meant I was going to feel uncomfortable,
I was going to cry, I was going to feel alone, and hopeless and as if I am
losing grasp of things but that is only because I was doing things in which I
was not used too and it was scary as hell. I have held on to relationships that
were toxic, I held friends close to my heart when I should not have, and I
closed those out who really wanted to be there for me. I also learned that
those who matter will always be there for you regardless of the journey because
they actually understand what you are human.
Every day is not going to be butterflies and rainbows;
but this does not mean that we can drop the ball and lose our focus. I guess I
dropped the ball when I lost my brother. My whole entire world came crashing
down and I was so upset that I did not cherish the times we had. I did not tell
him I love you 101 times. I did not take him out to eat on Thursday when I lost
him as I wanted too. There were so many things I wanted to tell him and yet I
did not live in the moment. I did not live freely as he did. I was so scared to
take the leap because I wanted to make sure I was going to fly. He was never
scared. I shut down. I ate my emotions. I ingested poison daily hoping it would
take away the pain. I lost a sense of who I was and what my purpose was. I had
a 4 year old son who I was not living for. So when I say I was not mentally
prepared to take on weight loss this is what I mean. I was not ready to pull
off the bandage and start dealing with what was underneath but I soon learned
that we will never be ready. Sometimes you just have to rip off the band aid
and not look back.
I questioned myself every step of the way. Heck I still
question myself until this day. I still cry. I still want to give up. I still
do not feel what I guess I wanted to feel and I wonder if I am heading in the
right direction. However I do see the bigger picture now. Leaving behind the
pounds also meant I had to leave behind “friends” and “family” that I held on
to even after they have hurt and betrayed me. This is where I began to trust
myself because I realized those who are meant to be in your life as I mentioned
above will remain in your life because they will understand that you are human
and have looked at the bigger picture all along. They were not invested in your
life for their own selfish reasons. When we make excuses for others hurting us
that is when you know you have dropped the ball and are carrying toxic weight.
Added baggage will not help you make it to the finish line, it will hold you
down secretly hoping you never make it there. Misery loves company.
Here we are 2 years later and many chapters have been
closed. Many relationships have been questioned and many blessings have come my
way. The lessons learned have surpassed the tears that have been shed. I have
lost 90 pounds and have allowed myself to be free not only from the pain and
discomfort that came from my physical appearance but also by the weight that
was holding me down and not helping me get to the finish line. I look back only
to see how far I have come, never to open up a chapter in which God has allowed
me to close. Sometimes you do not need the answers to everything. Somethings
just happen for a reason.
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