So it seems that when I was "bigger/ heavier" I had more luck in the dating department. I was a little hard on myself for a while. Questioning some of my decisions. Regretting choices I have made. However here we are several years out of the dating scene and I must say that I am not too upset. I am able to see and grasp a different perception on things. I do understand that everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer that God knows what he is doing and I trust myself more than I have before.
Being lonely is something that I think no one likes to feel. I mean being around others brings on laughter, and laughter brings happiness/ joy, it for the moment takes your mind off of whatever is going on and brings out the inner child in you. Why wouldn't we want to have this moment by our side during our hard moments or during our sad times. However I feel that if you do not understand the value of personal space, and you do not understand what Self Love is and means you will not fully understand the importance of self dependence and personal freedom.
I understood how to depend on myself during times in which I felt I could not survive on my own. I learned to listen to myself and free myself from things in which have imprisoned me for so long. Perhaps I was giving my time to those who were not deserving of it, perhaps those people were in my life to teach me a valuable lesson to my future. I do not regret anything in which has caused me pain in my life because it has made me stronger and well equipped for what is to come.
The heavier me was sad, she did not love herself and she held on to all the pain. The healthier me will not allow others to make her sad, she will love herself because no one will ever love me better than I can, and the old me will release the pain and step out of comfort zone. I will not waste my time with relations in which will not brighten and lift my soul. The healthier me understands that I am a cool chick, I am very well educated, I can be the shyest person in the world but once you get to know me I can be the funniest person around, I am very well rounded (I don't mean the shape. I mean I once was rounded that way but that's beside the point lol), and those who choose not get to know or understand that side is not so much of my problem.
However I am not sure how people even go about dating now a days. I have been out of the dating scene for a while for many reasons and now that I am interested I am a bit confused. So we no longer go out and explore? We do not go out to dinner because we are worried about wasting a meal and not getting laid? What the heck! What happens to the ladies that actually have a personality, goals, and ambitions. Settling is never an option in my book therefore I can explore on my own and enjoy my own "Namaste" moment until that moment occurs. I will not force anything because of fear of "growing old alone" I mean what is normal to one person may not be normal to the next. That doesn't mean that I will not be open to my Prince Charming but that simply means that I am able to fully stand on my own two feet, I can support myself, I can provide myself with the same opportunities as those in relationships, I may have to work a bit harder but it does not mean that it is not possible.
Carrie always needed her Mr. Big regardless of what others felt was normal. Her normal was just something that she understood was perfect for her. Sometimes others will not understand and that's okay. Sometimes others will judge your for "your normal" but that's okay because when your in love the noise drowns out in the background as your song plays.
Normal is over rated in a world where everyone is trying to be the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps I strive to be different and I do not want my normal to look like yours because I understand and see things differently and we are not here to serve the same purpose in life. Perhaps this is why I am also single; but its okay!
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