Judgement / Pressure

For a long time I tried my best to please the world.

Never really feeling comfortable. Always walking on eggshells. I gave my heart away several times. I trusted many and have been let down severely. I have had to walk away and depend solely on myself.

I have fell to my knees and begged the Lord to take me away. I have battled with depression, eating disorders, and I have managed to pick myself up each time.

I did not let the world swallow my Dreams.

I promised to never give up on myself. I have done this many times in the past. I believed the harsh words that were told to me. I believed I was not strong or pretty enough. Remembering the harsh things that were said to me not only by strangers but by my "loved ones" as well crushed my soul further. No one is going to love or appreciate you as much as you can appreciate and love yourself.

Easier said than done.

I am still learning. Everyday I learn something different. Everyday I appreciate my journey and steps that were taken. Every tear that was shed was worth it. I once questioned the process. I once wondered if I should be jumping without knowing if I could fly. However I would have never found out if I could fly without taking that leap.

The Company you keep.

In order to find yourself you have to dig deep. Into that dark place that you have avoided for a decade. My comfort zone was killing me. It was not even my comfortable/ happy place anymore. It was anxiety & depressed filled. I was drowning myself in my own fears and tears. I allowed the actions and validity of others consume me.

Cleaning Day

I got tired. I was drained. I was in a dark place. I was overweight alone and annoyed. I did not recognize the girl in the mirror and I knew that I could do all the things in which I felt I could not do. I did not pick a particular day. I did not sleep on these thoughts, and I did not plan when this change would occur. I woke up and I knew this had to get done TODAY. I was scared shitless but for far too long I have done things to please others and have constantly endured a whirlwind of unforeseen emotions & situations in which I did not want to be apart of.

Rebuilding

Change is something scary. While nothing is easy, all of the hard work is worth it. Nothing feels better than doing things in which you thought you could never do. Everyday your body does things that it has never done before. You are able to build the memories in which you once wished upon. The most rewarding feeling of all is beating the odds and are actually enjoying the process. No longer hiding behind comfort zones or building up walls to block out the fears.