30 Life Lessons.

Two days ago I turned 30. I took it kind of hard because 30 sounds scary as hell. I am not sure how a “thirty year old” looks or acts. I felt like things are really supposed to change now but I am still learning a lot. Thirty sounds very “adultish” and mature in my eyes meanwhile I see people in their later years still engaging in immature childish antics. Why would you want to put your nose into situations that do not pertain to you? Why are we not putting this much focus on our goals? Why are we so focused on love but we forget that loving someone begins with self-love. We cannot love someone else if we do not love, and take care of our own needs. You cannot want qualities in someone one else that you do not present.

I like to observe and test situations. I like to see where loyalty within people lie. Throughout the years I have trusted and have been let down by many. I have learned to become self-reliant; relying on other will only set you up for disappointment. Independence may not be so bad, yes it is lonely but when you do not entertain the drama of others, lonely doesn’t seem to be bad. Relying on myself means I am not allowed to let myself down. With that said I cannot give others the opportunity to do the same.

            Seems like everyone has given up on hobbies but picked up on gossiping and engaging into drama filled reality television scenarios that do not need to be created. I will entertain myself with positive activities that seem “weird, corny, or not average,” my goals are different than others and that’s okay. Being the oddball isn’t so bad in a world where everyone wants to strive for the same goals, settle for comfort, and are petrified of individuality. Leaving my comfort zone scared the hell out of me but I kind of look back and think about how I have never really been completely comfortable.

I am always thinking ahead and observing the actions of others wondering how and why but realizing what actions I do not want to mirror into my daily life. I am unsure how you can lend a shoulder to lean on and then run with the information you have obtained. Most people strive for the wrong attention and cannot accept accountability for their actions. Misery loves company and you can only blame yourself for the nonsense that you surround yourself with. I thought with age came maturity but when I see adults engaging in teenage antics I have to question how one obtains maturity.

I have learned to keep to myself. I have been told that I am antisocial. I have been told I act as if I am too good. I can go on and on with the comments that I hear. Usually I keep my comments to myself because it requires too much energy to combat inaccuracies that do not pay my bills or provide for my future. Someone is always ready to offer a helping hand to just as quickly let it go and use it to push you back on the floor. I have learned to use my own two hands. I never think I am better than anyone however I know that I am too good to feed into the negativity and gossip that some require in their lives.

I get tested on a daily basis. I have to hold the weight of my own household on my shoulders. I do not need anyone telling me how I should or should not do things because personally I think I have done one hell of a job on my own. I have had nothing and yes I have had a little help along the way but for the most part I have had to make my own choices and rely solely on myself to raise a strong minded male. It’s been one hell of a journey, I have struggled, I have fallen, I have filled the Pacific Ocean with my tears, and I still manage to pick myself back up and keep it moving.

I am not concerned with what anyone is doing, or with who they are doing it enough to preoccupy my time butting into someone else’s business. I guess that’s what makes me different and as if I am “stuck up.” Perhaps I understand what is realistic and unrealistic. It seems as if everyone wants to be the certain of attention for helping. Everyone wants to be the hero in superficial ways. Everyone wants that pat on the back. I thought I did too. Then I realized I didn’t care if I got that pat on the back. I do not want someone who is pretending to be happy for me to pat me on the back. I am proud of myself and my 8 year old thinks I am the best super hero around. What more can I ask for.

Maybe I am too good because I will not smile in your face and quickly talk behind your back. I will not pretend to like you. I will not compete with you because my purpose here is different than yours. We all have different trials and tribulations, we walk different paths, and we will never know what the purpose next to us is struggling with so who are we to judge or speak on someone else’s life. With that said I will not do things in which I feel are not benefiting my well-being because I do not expect others to do that for me.

What seemed to be one of the worst Birthdays was actually a very eye-opening experience. I do not expect others to be happy for me when they are not happy within their own life and accomplishments. I am super proud of myself and I deserve to toot my own horn for overcoming the statistics and wandering into my own direction. I am nowhere near perfect but I have yet to meet someone perfect; my imperfections make me better with time, patience, and determination. I no longer feel guilty for isolating myself and growing up.

Hello “thirty” I am ready.